Waves

Today I am particularly sensitive to the growing up of my children and grandchildren. I am in Utah surrounded by many of them. I am away from my two youngest. So the stage is set for some pondering and introspection.

Each time something happens over the years, I feel the dreaded tug of something forcing me to relinquish my grasp on my babies' childhood. Tears, pleading, praying, writing, screaming cannot change the tide. It comes uncaring of a mothers' heart breaking. I feel the sand pulling under my feet. I see the wave draw outward relentlessly, rhythmically, predictably. My mother tears are carried away as refuse.

All I can do was wait. Wait for the magical new tide to bring newness and wonder. Do my babies still know me? Do they know I love them uncomprehendingly? Do they remember my smiles, my touches, my hugs and my voice. Each time I wait. And it comes, splashing joyfully. Always. Different but always.

I love the ocean. Countless times I have stood at the edge and felt the ocean pull out, the sand gathering out from under my bare feet. The building wave is beautiful, eager to swallow up the empty sand. It crashes back onto the shore, into my legs. Happy, crazy, joyous, foaming and lovely.

I have stood on a shore during this month. I have felt the tide pull out for the last 33 years. I am here under the wave, giggling, laughing, eating, tumbling. Girls' night out, births, photos, babies, shopping, secrets, eating, hugging, laughing and laughing, sharing, praying, absorbing, helping...

The tide will pull out again, I know. But for a few more days it is delicious.
(August 2011)

Mom - Everyone should read this. Thoroughly.

July 2, 1957

Rachel

This time of year holds so many wonderful memories of summer. Mom's birthday always sticks out in my mind because it's so close to the 4th of july. The grimy, sweaty kids running around Grandma's house with berry-stained hands, orange clay-mud all over shoes and pant legs, building grass forts in the freshly mowed field, and climbing all over that old barn in the meadow before it finally fell down. Cooking out and fireworks seemed always synonymous with drizzle, since we never really had the best luck with the weather. There was always a cake though, and ice cream because it was mom's birthday! 

One thing about mom that I really love is that despite the unthinkably difficult years of raising rowdy kids, she always canned stuff. Any sane person in their right mind would just go on down to the supermarket and by cans of stuff already in cans, saving the hours and mess of canning fruit and jams. But I don't know if it was her desire to teach us how to do it or a need to save money, but either way, we came out on top. Almost nobody my age has ever canned or preserved anything...it's a dying art. When I tell people that my mother canned all summer and how many kids there were, they can't believe it. Thanks mom. I learned more from you than you will ever know!!

Love you.

Sarah

We are driving down a highway along the Atlantic coast on this special day, moms birthday. I keep looking at the trees that line the freeway wishing I knew their names, how they behaved, their approximate age... mom would know. Yesterday I found myself sitting, staring at a bag of "treasures", some blank paper and a pen. I thought long and hard how to put together a good treasure hunt. It was good, but Mom's would have been so much better. I planted a garden a few weeks ago. Everything we planted reminded me of Mom since she headed up last year's garden, my first! Mom, you are so much a part of me. Only a blurry line exists where you end and I begin. I owe so much to you!! Happy birthday!!

Hannah

Mom-you are a very special woman. How can I write something that would illustrate the magnitude of what you have done for me? On your birthday, I think of all you deserve. Among those are a long romantic vacation with dad, a million dollars, and a day at the spa. Since I am still poor in funds, I am going to resort to a special note, just for you. Mom I fought you tooth and nail every day when you would get us out of bed for morning devotional but since your level of stubbornness was slightly more developed than mine, you won. Every time. And to this day, I still know all the Articles of Faith, all the poetry and even remember the president books. I have grown up to be a strong woman too and I attribute that to my upbringing. I believe that before I came to earth, I knew you, I chose you as my mom and you chose me as your daughter. Probably the best choice I ever made. I remember being on the other side of the world in Australia teaching the Gospel. I loved the work so much and had countless life changing experiences. Yet I found the most strength in the letters from home. I know I insisted you and dad write me instead of email (I know that was a little lame of me). But the testimonies that you and dad would share with me seemed to give me the strength to carry on when I felt like I had reached the point of exhaustion. You never cease to amaze me with your continued strength and determination. Thank you for being there for me mom. I hope and pray I can be even half the mother that you were to me. Happy Birthday mom. I love you.

Miriam

Mom, I remember writing you a letter when I was about 13 or 14 telling you that I knew you were meant to be my mother, and that I was sent to you. You've given me so many memories I cannot begin to tell them all. To name a few; SQUIRT. I loved it, I love it. I wish Jade would do squirt with me now. All in good time. JOB CARDS. I loved checking off my jobs on the laminated 3x5 cards every summer. My guardian helped me. You brought us close to each other every time you could. MUSIC LESSONS. Driving all the way to Fieldbrook, paying for months and months of lessons, harassing us to practice, all the performances. DEVOTIONAL. The spirit, it was there every time. I loved the poems (although I couldn't recite one for you if my life depended on it-I failed you there, sorry) and I loved what I learned about coming together as a family. SCRIPTURE STUDY. You fought for it. You fought for it with so many of us. I'm so grateful you did. My love for the scriptures started there. PATRIOTISM. We sang the star spangled banner every time we went by the big flag on the way to Mckinleyville. TEARS. Mom, you are emotional at every turn. Every happy or sad ending of a movie, in church, at pack meeting, at family get togethers. You have a gift and you are sensitive to the spirit. Thanks for teaching us all to be sensitive to what's important in life, treating others with love and respect, and taking pride in who we are. Mom, you are everything to our family. I thank my Heavenly Father for you. Happy Birthday. 

Gideon

Some of my greatest memories are summer days at the Arcata pool. I remember mom taking us every day, every summer. We longed for the last day of swimming when we could finally get a Popsicle and an allotment for gummy bears or licorice. Mom always diplomatically solved the eternal battle between the playhouse and cannon. She coached us on how to manage the emotional trauma of the high dive. I love those memories of mom spending time with us during the day, I am lucky to have had you as a mom back then and I'm lucky now to get calls from you about all the great things you still do. Thanks for being such a great example to all of us. Thank you for showing us what the gospel can do to change your life, and helping me to live in those dangerous younger years. Love you mom, and happy birthday. 

Naomi

Mom. What a wonderful lady you are. Many of my teachers have told me that I must have a wonderful mother if I can do all the things I do. I assure them that she is. 

One thing that I always will remember about mom is canning. Twice a year, hundreds of boxes would take over our yard and more than we expected would usually be left at our house by sunset. We all know how incredibly awesome moms Apricot jam is, how like candy her canned pears are and how one person could easily eat an entire jar of canned peaches. Since leaving home, I always look forward to those phone calls around fruit time when mom calls me and gives me an update. Surprisingly, I miss the phone ringing off the hook with old ladies asking for "the fruit lady." I love moms outlook on life, her free spirit and her hard work ethic. I am so glad she taught us that. I am sad I cant be home this year to give you a little celebration. I love you. I hope your birthday is wonderful. 

Sarah

June 14, 1979

Dad

The story is told about the child that alarmed everyone by not saying a word till she was 4 years old - turns out the reason was that she didn't need anything and life was fine. When I look at pictures of young Sarah, I am reminded of that. She looks so serene and content. It was probably just that Rachel took all the airspace!  Later on Sarah was watchin Rachel's back - ya did a good cover, Sarah! Ya loved your sis. Ya didn't even roll on her for the Dr. Humboldt medicine- man, there's loyalty! Sarah turned into the rebel herself later. I'm sure she would have ended up on probation if her "stealing the admit slips and forging signatures and selling them for 5 bucks" criminal ring with S. Smith at Eureka High School would have been discovered... Who could forget Sarah's "vivacious" demeanor for early morning seminary! I'd come up with one of my early moring corny jokes and she would give me the death stare. I think she actually took a blanket and slept in the back. Once I came home after working very early in the morning and her best friend Laurel was leaving our house - they begged me not to tell that she had spent the night without permission. I found out years after the fact that Sarah and her friends (maybe even with her sister Hannah?) used to ditch school for the whole day and go to Benbow and swim and sunbathe all day. Sarah loves the outdoors and hiking the JMT in 17 days after high schoool graduation was the ultimate! I found out just recently that she almost starved when she moved to Utah after High School. Who could forget some of the guys she brought back for us to meet? All extremes it seems. Thank goodness she found that Jake guy... She has evolved into a wonderful person and mother/friend/wife/daughter/wanna-be activist and not-so closet-feminist. She writes about motherhood and life with a style and insight that is broadly recognized. Ya rock Sarah - hope you always stay amazed.  d

Hannah

Sarah your birthday always reminds me that the year is half over! There are so so many memories that I share with you. From the Silver Tabs to the child rearing. I feel like we have always been close but the point in which I felt we really grew the closest is when I had Kayla. Suddenly I realized what drove you to put every bit of your heart in to what you do. The point in which I realized how truly loving you are is when I sat in my condo in Bountiful when Kayla was a few days old. I was alone with her and I was crying out of control. I couldn't get her to nurse. I called you, hysterical. It was 10:30 at night. You left your house in Lehi and drove to Bountiful. You worked with me for some time and helped little baby Kayla learn to nurse. I cried then because I was happy, I felt you helped my defeat this challenge. That is only an example of your selfless sisterly love that trumps anything else. I could go on and on about the childhood memories of my big lipped, beautiful, and crazy sister just 18 months older than I. I am truly thankful I have had the opportunity to share my childhood and adult life with such a stalwart friend. I am so lucky to have you. Thank you for being who you are. Happy birthday and I look forward to the many more birthdays to come.

Jared

I remember driving to Indio California to meet up with Sarah and Katie to see one of the most talented groups of musicians ever to have combined their talents. We were all so excited and Sarah and Katie blasted their music all the way there. Being around all the people at coachella was like skimming the top of a pool of dirty water. When nickel creek took the stage, a sense of euphoria overtook us and I will never forget Sarah singing louder than Chris Thile. I think he looked over at Sarah swaying violently with her eyes closed. That was such an amazing experience that I will always remember every detail down to the smell of the grass. "grass" 

Miriam

Sarah and I used to write letters back and forth when she lived in Provo. I've kept all of them and they say the sweetest things. You have always been such a caring big sister. I'll never forget when you took me, Gideon and Naomi to the water slide park in Redding one summer. We had so much fun and our budget only allowed us a single bun from Subway. Not even a whole sandwich. I call that real living. Don't let anything keep you from havin' an adventure. Sarah, you've always had the biggest heart ad been the most loving big sister. You take it upon yourself to love and care for all of us and we feel it! I feel lucky that we get to see each other EVERY week. Your girls are so beautiful and they are lucky that you are their mother. You are so wonderful!

Naomi

Sarah was always so much older than me. She would brings friends home from high school and they were so old. She brought friends home from college and they were old! Over the past few years, Sarah has let me grow up to be as old as she is. We talk about too many things to count and I feel like we are the same age. Sarah has always been interested in what I am doing with my life. On my way to class, I'll give her a call and we will chat for only a few minutes. Some people talk to siblings for hours at a time. Our lives are busy. I dont have that kind of time. Sarah lets me have five minutes here and three minutes there. Those little phone calls are what keep us so close. Thanks Sarah. Thanks for being such a great big sister. For sharing your kids. Sharing your home. Sharing your love for the world around you with us. Love you.

Read an awesome quote today.

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved piece, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‑‑WOW ‑‑ WHAT A RIDE!”

Dad

May 6, 1956

Sarah

I love, "I just figured hey". I think I laughed for like hours over that saying over the years. It's SO dad. 

One of my best memories of dad is when he took us canoeing before school one morning in the humboldt bay. I was in elementary school. He wouldn't tell us where we were going while driving in the vw bus (even though there was a canoe strapped on the roof rack). So we pulled up to the dock and we were excited and anxious. It was a bright clear, cold morning and we wore our beat up life jackets and tried to help dad move the canoe through the water. I remember bragging to my friends for years about how my dad took us canoeing before school ALL THE TIME (which I think he really only took us that one time). It was so awesome! I had no other friends who's dad ever did that! 

Another memory I have is when we hiked the JMT with Laurel. That will forever go down in my mind's recesses as the time when I truly got to know Dad. No pressures on time, no outside stresses. Just conversations meandering through the wilderness for 17 days. I count myself lucky to have had that experience with Dad. Truly, he had no choice. Laurel and I are very persuasive! :)

Happy Birthday Dad.

Hannah

Daddy's hoooooooome. The crowds of children would run frantically out the front door and to the volkswagon bus that pulled up with hard-working dad in it. Outside the Oregon Street house was a party when Dad came home. There were usually 3 children dripping from his arms, another few from his legs and others were fighting to get part of one of his limbs. He always had a smile on his face, seemed happy to see his sea of children every evening after work. This was even after a day of phonecalls to his workplace at least 20 times during the day. Between the kids that were able to use the phone and the few calls mom would place, he would be bombarded. Yet we never knew until we became adults, that the boss asked time and time again to limit the incoming calls. Yet Dad, you just couldn't bring yourself to tell us that we couldn't call. Seems like you have kept this going. Now, 20 or so years later, you still make yourself available for your kids. 1000 miles away and I still feel like you are there for me. I don't ever feel like calling you will be a burden and I always feel you like talking to me.

There is no way I could summarize the memories in one post, there are far too many. But Dad, you gave me much more than I could have asked for. A childhood full of adventure, love, laughter, and humor. You deserve to have a fantastic birthday!! Love you Dad!! 

Jared

If someone asked me what I thought was the mist significant experience I had with dad, my memory takes me to what led to the most devastating botanical experience of his life. As part of my environmental science merit badge, I was reluctantly entrusted with a delicate fern dad rescued on a backpacking trip. Unintentionally, I swiftly destroyed it. I don't think I realized how devastated dad was, but he didn't breathe a word of frustration or resentment. I've always admired dad's patience and love for those around him. I'm grateful for his great example. Thanks dad

Miriam

I'll never forget when dad asked me "When does your heart rest?...between beats." Ha ha. That was awesome. I never forgot that. That's dad in a nutshell. Always livin up life to the fullest. We went on a backpacking trip the summer before I left for BYU and we counted the hours and dad fit in as much hiking as he could in those 72 hours. Boy, did we feel it too. But that wasn't any different from any other hiking trip with dad:) Always a death hike! 

Dad, there are too many memories to fit into a few paragraphs. All I can say is that I am who I am today because of all your dad-isms and your unfailing optimism. I remember the very day I asked you what that word meant. Optimism. You should have just said "me."

Love ya dad.

Naomi

Dad. Where do you even start with a guy like this? Ill start with this. I was talking to you on the phone the other night right after the sun had gone over the horizon. You said you were in the front yard leaning up against the ol' Volvo. The moon was out and told me to check it out. I stepped outside and looked to the west to see a sliver of the moon. It was "pretty cool lookin" as you had said. You said, "Isn't it amazing that we are looking at the same moon right now?" I was a thousand miles away but Dad and I were looking at the moon together. We spotted a few constellations together as well. The tears welled. I miss sitting in the back yard, on the beach, on a mountain top in the wee hours of the morning, or by a lake in the mountains and listening to Dad admire everything around him. His favorite primary song is " Whenever I hear the song of a bird or walk by a lilac tree." I love dads admiration of the earth and its gifts to us.

I love Dads hands. They are so big and strong. They surf. They plant daffodils. They pull his glasses out of his shirt pocket. They fed his kids for 25 years by getting grease and cuts from fixing cars. They held each of us. They blessed us every year before starting school. They have always been there to hug me. They hold mom. I can not wait to someday put my children in those wonderful, beautiful hands.

I love you Dad. Happy Birthday. You're 55 years young.

Bethany

April 17, 1994

Rachel

Dear, dear Bethany...I remember when you were so little! I remember you crying and making a ruckus in church, and Jared was SO lucky, he got to take you out into the foyer and take a breather from sacrament meeting. The thing that I think of first every time I think of you is your spazz-ness, and I mean that only in the most loving way!! You are so dramatic, and have so much energy! You remind me a lot of myself actually. It seems like you went from tiny to teenager so quickly. You are such a loving sister to Isaac, that is what really impresses me about you. You are so patient and loving towards him, and seeing the friendship you two have is so touching! 

One special memory I have of you is actually very recent, but it really affected me and I remember it so fondly. It was when I came home for a long weekend when Grandma was sick. The last night before I was supposed to leave, you slept in the spare room with me and we stayed up for a while talking. You told me about Mateo and school, and I was so tired but I treasured that so much!! I fought like crazy to stay awake because now my little baby sister was talking to me like we were teenagers having a slumber party and I didn't want to miss a second of it. I would give anything to be back in that moment right now and be able to live it again, just for a little while.

I love you so much Bethany, Happy Birthday! Stop growing up so fast!

Love you.

Rach

Sarah

Bethany was always the one who we babied. She made us laugh constantly. She was ADORABLE. She was the skinniest little thing and would often skip dinner because of all the candy we fed her after school. We'd give her candy to hang out with us. We wanted to tease her and tickle her and then generally just love her. She was always smiling and laughing and doing funny things. I remember coming home to visit from college and we would do the "walk on the bum" game all the time. She loved it. She was one of the first ones to burst out of the front door and run toward my car when I pulled up. She's always represented sweetness and love. No judgement, no hard feelings. I don't think I've ever seen her mad (but I didn't live with her during her teenage years, so I'm not exactly sure). I love you Bethany. Happy Birthday.  

Hannah

Bethany: You were also known as "My Baby." From a very young age, I was rescuing you from your guardian, Jared. Each time I would come home from Yreka, you would run out and I would pick you up. You have always been a spunky, sweet, beautiful little thing and I just love you. One of the saddest days of my life was when Bethany officially learned to say the letter "R." I missed your adorable speech impediment when it left. And what you used to be as a child has only proven to be a precursor to what you have become as a young lady. You are strong, lovely, faithful and still, as always, spunky. I look up to you, Bethany, for your burning desire to do what is right. You are a leader to all you come in contact with. When you graduate highschool, you will be going on to bigger things. Stay as strong as you are now. Pursue your dreams and passions, be everything you want to be little Bethany. Now that I have become at peace with your ability to say your "R"s, I am ready for you to grow up and follow your dreams. Just whatever you do, never change who you are. You are special and amazing. A true gem. 

Love you Bethany.  

Miriam

Bethany was my roommate. The two years I went to HSU, me and Bethany shared a room. She used to snore EVERY night and, I admit, I may have resorted to pinching her nose shut to get her to wake up and turn over. Then she finally got her tonsils taken out and it helped immensely. We would make farting noises and almost pee our pants laughing so hard. Guess I really hadn't grown up much by attending college. I'll never forget the night she said to me "Miriam, do you ever think about the stars? I try and think about them and it's like my mind wants to go past them but it just can't, no matter how hard I try." That's a deep thought for a 7 year old. And that analytical brain has never quit. We had a lot of spiritual conversations too. Little Bethany. A deep, wise little spirit you are. All my love roommate:) Happy Birthday.

*So, facebook won't let you download their pictures to your computer and I don't have any pictures of you on my computer so sorry it's pictureless:(

Dad flying in NC.

Another awesome clip.

My favoritist video ever!!!

Naomi

March 10, 1989

Dad

Naomi, so graceful and capable. Smart, funny, loves her family. I remember when I was bishop, feeling pretty proud of myself - thinking everyone else was "feelin' the spirit" like I was. I asked the family what they thought of their dad being bishop. I guess I expected replies on how much more spiritual our family was etc. Naomi was like"well, we don't see you that much anymore..." Ouch - back to reality, dad. Once, we were out of town and Naomi was in the back yard throwing a piece of plastic pipe on the roof. She missed once and put it right through the window! One of you kids described the terrified look on her face. If you were to see a picture of Naomi's room when she lived at home as a teenager, you would think the walls were only 6 feet tall, since there was so much stuff on the ground! I think she is fine now. You'd have to ask Colin. Naomi is one of the most helpful people I know - you can always find her engaged in setting up or taking down. She is honest and fair and determined. She is a "make it happen" kind of person. I love(d) to hear her sing and play! Love ya nomes- happy birthday

Mom

Naomi, my little butterfly! Besides the hole in the wall from anger, you were incredibly easy to raise. You accepted Hannah's "mothering" graciously and loved her right back. You were never demanding, playing well with or without your siblings. You did love "The Sound of Music" and would pop it in the VCR as soon as the school kids left for school. You would watch all three hours of it every day. I began to sense your demand for excellence while you were in high school. Teachers at school and leaders at church were amazed at your ability to be there on time and be of great help--without having to be told what to do. You expected everyone to have the same values in this and were disgusted at the apathy and laziness of your fellow beings. But the rewards were many for the refusal to back down when a job needed to be done. You gave everything you were involved with 100% of yourself. One of the highlights was when youj received piles of awards as a senior for outstanding orchestra member, choir member and the big ELMA. And though it was no surprise, I was literally bursting with pride. You were also an amazing YW Youth Camp director. You are beautiful, talented, loving and hard-working. Colin is lucky, we are all lucky, to have you. I love you.

Sarah

Naomi-- an incredible girl... and now an incredible student and musician and wife. I remember when she was little someone said, "Naomi is SUCH a beautiful little girl, she doesn't look anything like you guys!" She really was and still is a classic classic beauty. Like Audrey Hepburn...

I was like a mother to Naomi. Her and Gideon would fight all the time! I took her and Gideon to the redding water park before I moved away to Utah and I didn't bring enough money with me so we bought one bread roll from Subway for like 50 cents on the way back home and we all shared it! We also shared a tent at the redding KOA. Mom and Dad, how did you let me do that??? Naomi is also a fantastic homemaker and wife. Her house is organized and well decorated. SHe remembers where she put things and keeps things clean. She tries new recipes and is going to be a way better wife and caretaker than I ever was! I love you Naomi, you always make every gathering way more fun. xoxoxo

Hannah

Such a special girl. My favorite day as a child was the day the Naomi was born. She was really my first child. When mom brought her home from the hospital, I thought she was mine. I loved to change her diapers, read her books, dress her and take care of her. I remember when she turned 5. She looked so cute in her poofy little dress. You always had a sweet demeanor. You are always so willing to step in and help out. Quietly grabbing something from someone's full arms, reaching out to grab a crying baby, or listening when someone needs to talk. Naomi you made my childhood, teen years, and adult life so much richer because you are in it. You make me want to be a better person. Thanks for being such a fantastic guardian girl. Even though I was convinced I took care of you over the years, I am pretty sure you took care of me.

Love you little Nomes.

Your guardian

Jared

I always remember Naomi tromping around with Gideon (even when they weren't getting into trouble). They seemed to be inseparable. Next thing I knew she was going to humboldt and dating boys. I can't believe how fast she became a grown up. She is so talented and has a great husband. Thanks Naomi.

Miriam

Naomi, you are so rad. Number seven. Six kids is quite the act to follow. You were always so dang cute. Everyone would say, "Naomi looks so different from the rest of you. She's so cute!!" Yeah, you got all the good looks in the whole family I guess:) But despite your round eyes and dashing little smile, you were the queen of mischief, as well all know. I remember all the peanut butter and macaroni and cheese and toothpaste quite well. I wonder why I never got roped into it, I was the kid just older than you guys. Well, me and you have had enough mischief since then. Humboldt Branch, Florida, Disney World, Utah - that whole summer of incredible fun and memories. We also took a trip to San Fransisco together and drove down the 'rainbow flag' street. I think it was gay pride week or something. Quite the sight.

We've had a lot of good times Naomi, and I look forward to many more.

*Please send me your thoughts, anyone who didn't send one earlier and I'll put them on here.