Pre-parenting Lessons. Lynn, you only have a little time to get this done!

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

35 Years

After church today when I saw you at the end of the hall, it was like I jumped back about 36 years for a second. Those days at the Arcata building! Ah yes – couldn’t forget that. Crazy that just yesterday I read in the paper that Arcata okayed the permit to tear down that building. As sad as it is to see that building go, hey, they can’t separate me from the memories! It’s powerfully sentimental to think of my young man boyish self from those days and meeting up with you. Good times. In so many ways. Glad I came to Humboldt County and drank deep of its natural resources!

I am not sure about being called a natural resource! Natural, yes…that is why you liked me so much. I remember that several girls had a crush on the handsome boy from LA. I felt so lucky to be the girlfriend of such an adorable and smart guy. We could talk about anything for hours. Remember how my mom loved to watch us sit on the floor in the living room of my house and be oblivious of the world around us as we conversed and laughed. We never ran out of things to talk about.

Yeah. Your mom. Great lady – little did I know at the time the level of her.. – I’m not sure what to call it – eccentricity? Nerve? Pizzazz? What ever it was/is, she had plenty of it! As the years went by, I came to appreciate how much it sometimes bothered you. I just laughed it off, but you had to grow up with it and deal with her on a much more personal and up front way. Ya did good. I know sometimes she was really uncool to ya. I think about how you were sometimes bothered by the thought that you might unknowingly adopt some of her character traits that you did not admire. I always laughed that off too. You are you. Unique, caring, perceptive, thoughtful, sensitive. Enjoy yourself and your legacy.

That reminder has been a comfort to me. You were my greatest support! But I think you liked many of the character traits I did get from her. You always treated my mother with great love and care. She LOVED you for it, and I can see that you have treated me with the same devotion when I have been less than easy to live with. You never hit me, called me names, etc., but I did make you mad plenty of times. You saved your real anger for the kids. Remember the doorknob through the wall and the broken baking dish? It is funny that you never really spanked them, but the house took a beating!

THAT is funny. The burn is that I ended up having to fix the house that took the beating. You’re right, though – there’s no abuse legacy in the fam. I feel pretty confidant that got passed onto the next gen. I mean really, look at your sons. Real lurking violent guys, eh? It never ceases to amaze me the kind of children you raised and the adults they have become. How is it possible? Why the lack of animosity? Why the understanding and the compassion and the friendship? Everyone of ‘em are fun to be around. Thanks.

There is a definite explanation. No matter how stern or strict I was, a gentle, sweet, fun father was there to give them a happy childhood. Looking at this from the perspective of time, I would say that you became more strict (especially as a Probation Officer!!!) and I have become more happy and fun-loving. We have definitely retained our original gifts, but have left each other better for our being together. No one would have given much hope that a 19 year old girl and 20 year-old boy getting married would have created so much magic for this batch of kids. The odds were against us. I cannot believe, as I look at you (gorgeous old surfer dude), that we got together and are celebrating 35 amazing years together.

Hah, you’re just sayin that (but keep on doin it!). It is crazy how we somehow navigated the journey of young marriage – don’t ask me how. I think a lot of people that try don’t. I think it’s harder today than it was even just 35 years ago. But here we are. And I’m happy. Seriously. Because I have someone to love and talk and laugh with. Someone to share life and experience with. Funny that we’re way different, that’s for sure. I like spending time with you.

Spending time together has changed so much. It started with just us two all the time—for a very short time. Then it was caring for, chasing and playing with LOTS of kids. Then embracing the teen/baby balance. Moving into the only-teens excitement. Serving in church together has brought immense joy to us both. Now it is completing the crossword together, laughing over probation and seminary stories (with high security verbiage on both). Consoling each other with back and knee pain, and sharing the horror that all this fun is closer to ending than it ever has been. All that is left now is laughing and laughing more and growing old together. I love you. Thanks for the memories and all the joy yet to come. Happy anniversary, my eternal sweetheart.

When I was younger and the older folks would say stuff like, “I thought we loved each other when we were younger, but now I really know a lot more of what love means” - I would think, “yeah, yeah, get off the stage with the sentimental stuff”. What a twirp. Sorry to all those old folks that are probably dead now. ‘Cause, uh, yeah. I kinda get it now. There is something inside of me that is so tightly bound to you – it runs deep. I love you and our life together.